Volvo stylee

Listen, I love my volvo, but I'm pretty sure it hates me. It's got something terribly wrong with it, some of you have heard the noise it has been making. Then the other day it decided not to start! i thought damn, I'll need a tow if i can't start this. so I revved and I pushed in the gas and i huffed and i puffed but it wouldnt start. so i call the tow truck. gets there 45 minutes later, guy sits in the car, tries the ignition and after a solid minute of trying, the car started right up (albeit, still with that noise from the muffler). Let me repeat this: I try starting it, no way. Some dude that i called and told that to tries starting it, no problem.

Well, I still like my car anyway.

let me please say
"i am a peaceful man"
now, when i saw, at ben's party some retard huffing furniture polish i encouraged him, saying "huff it dude" b/c i knew he was verily a retard, and should be encouraged to continue on in such retarded endeavors (honestly, i apologize to all those mental defectives, at least ya'll have the foresight to avoid any such obvious stupidity). well the M-F-er did, he huffed the good part of a can of furniture polish and i laughed good and hard knowing damn well how many brain cells he had just killed. Well, apparently, the SOB took offense to this and challenged me to a fight. Now, as you many know, i am a peaceful man, a man of MLK JR. and Ghandi and shit, so i took the pacifist aproach, i turned the other cheak, even though the delightful bastard was shoving me against the wall. He continued to do so, and i continued to take the moral high ground. I repeatedly offered him a handshake of peace, saying we could forget all our troubles if we just shook hands and parted ways. but no, he would not have it, everytime i went to embrace him he said "mother fucker, i'll hit you if you touch me again" so naturally, i hugged him and made to kiss his cheek. He hated this, screaming obscenities like it was the embrece of satan, or some such. still, i continued trying to win him over with peace, you can ask anyone present, i did not wish violence. he then sprayed the furniture polish in my face, i turned my cheek and he sprayed it in my ear. "Don't do that again" i told him. He asked why not, and i told him because he was drunk and i knew everyone present. it was about now that i noticed i had a considerable posse of tom jenkins and tucker barrett and the honorable chris weingarten behind. i am in their debt. well, he kept advancing and i kept telling him we could end this with a peaceful handshake. He hated this, swearing he would rather fight than touch me, so I kept at it naturally. I told him he should accept my hand and he told me he would kill me. So, without another course of action, i told him "listen, i'm not supposed to telll you this, so i'm only gonna tell you once..." he lisented close "but," i said, "you, my friend" (he hated me calling him my friend) "you, my friend, are going to heaven!" With this, i raised one hand, and he gave me a high five. i embraced him and whispered in his ear "you just gave me the daps you swore you would not" and walked away. There are witnesses, this all is true.

Holographic Fleer Cards Coming Soon...

Like i said at yesterday's meeting, in honor of upcoming auditions, i updated the new kids' bios on the webpage. since no one ever writes their own anymore, i just made up bios for ya. but, if you want, cook something up and i'll slap it up there when i'm good and ready. allen and jess, this once in a lifetime offer is going out to you guys as well.

Unleash the Beast

Oh man, daps to Ben and Kimbo for this one,
everybody should check out pandora, as ben said rolling stone put it: "it's like the cool older brother you never had" when it comes to recomending music. you give it a song or artist and it picks out stuff it thinks you'll like based on some sort of music metric, the thing must have some sort of ancient science long since lost to modern man. i'm in the library right now digging on a station i made that pulls out songs reminiscent of Harry Belafonte -totally sweet.

Never understimate the power of a Jean Burger

Dude, contrary to previous posts, Mike was not in ithaca all week. he was far far from ithaca, or indeed from any civilization at all aside from an expensive gas station and a Tigre Geant. I was at a camp with the ski team in Gatineau, Quebec, away from cell service, internet, and TV (except for whatever the generic canadian public station is. CTV i think its called. hockey 14 hours of the day and half-hearted news programs the rest. The whole time i was like, would it kill them to just run football scores at the bottom of the screen while they talk about the opening of the new opera house and discuss tonights senators game? the answer, by the way, is yes.) The highlight of the trip was definetely eating at the local "Jean Burger." One can't really drive by a sign like that every day and not stop in to see what it's about. Wouldn't be too surprised if someone found there were actual bits of Jean in the burger. Good though.

I got back yesterday and had 45 EMAILS, mostly from skitsos saying things like "yes, i'll be there" or "i totally have a crush on so and so." (I think that one was from Scott). So im back now, you can all stop worrying. come and get me when you want me. just remember, Canadian beer is expensive and the Pheonix Coyotes suck.

today's song: Born in the freakin' USA - Da Boss

"Subaru Forrester Squadron, go!"

First off, lemme just say that yesterday was fucking gorgeous. sunshine, jacket instead of coat, the whole shebang. I even saw a bee crawling around on the ground, rubbing sleep out of her compound eyes and bein' all "dude, what's the deal? i feel like i just fell asleep". Side note, i bet you can use bee eye crusties to make some sort of delicious food -ew, but probably true.

But the best part of yesterday was the finding of something awesome that may be mine soon. I go up to my laboratory (pronounced the dexter way, mos def) and out in the lobby, possibly left up for grabs was a giant fossilized whale fin. How freaking cool would that be to have? The thing's gotta be four feet long, not to mention massive, so i think i would have to just lean up against a wall or something. Now, i could go into how it would totally mesh with my design motif of mainly bones and "found" art, but i think the piece speaks for itself, a fossilized whale fin. holy smokes, i think i got a tent pole just thinkin' about it. Man, if i were just a bit more certain it was being left out there for someone to take, i'd be on my cellphone in a minute, all "bitches! i'm in corson-mudd, get me a station wagon, pronto!" cuz everybody knows i roll with like a team of badass ladies what do my bidding and cruise the streets in station wagons.

Mike & Jess' Xtreme times in Xtreme, I mean, Berkshire County.... to the MAX.

While the rest of you skitsos are wallowing in your loneliness, mike & i have been having a BLAST. in Berkshire County, if you want to hang out outside of your house, you have a limited number of options. you can a) go to the movies b) eat at a restaurant c) go bowling d) go to the mall e) go to the grocery store or f) drive around (usually accompanied by smoking). now, i know you're thinking, but jess, can't you go to the bars? and you're right, i could go to a bar. BUT WAIT mike's not 21 yet. yeah. stopped you right in your tracks.

option b) we went to eat Chinese food at mike's favorite Chinese restaurant. mike "accidently" ordered enough food for sixteen footballers and it came on one of the trays with the fire! also, mike gave me his car for christmas so now when we drive back and forth to school, i'll be behind the wheel and he'll be riding shoddy.

option a) we went to a small movie theater with limited options and ended up in Syriana- big mistake. dont do it. it's hours and hours of unending boredom and a small child dies. trust me, i emerged with naught but a sore ass and a desire to strangle mike.

option d) we went on a roadtrip to the holyoke mall, a 45 minute drive away. this is when things start to get really Xtreme. let me just note that while mike did not want to use the mall map to find our stores of choice, it only took me 30 seconds in front of the damn thing to find everything we ever wanted to know.
first, we ate at pizzeria uno. inside this fine establishment is a bathroom treasure. they are the proud owners of not just an air hand-dryer, but the ultimate hand-dryer. it's a little beaut called the XTREME and there's even a tiny sticker requesting the user to "FEEL THE POWER". well, i've felt the power and it almost blew my rings right off- i suggest you try it.
we ventured into the local barnes & noble (it has an escalator!!!) and meandered around the books about nude women and art slash erotica. mike bought a calendar of XTREME Ironists from around the world and i got one about italy (booooooring). seriously, guys, these ironing freaks are craaaaazy. one guy somehow attached himself, an ironing board, shirt, and iron to the back of a Volkswagen and was ironing... mid traffic! i think it was someplace in england, those crazy brit bastards. others demonstrated their talents on cliff edges and other XTREME locales.
we drove back in complete and total silence, which was great, because i dont know about you guys, but mike's voice has that annoying grating quality and i just cant take too much of it.

thus were our travels in the berkshires and now both mike & jess are back in ithaca. when are you guys coming back??!!!! (seriously, i can't take too much more of mike)