let me please say
"i am a peaceful man"
now, when i saw, at ben's party some retard huffing furniture polish i encouraged him, saying "huff it dude" b/c i knew he was verily a retard, and should be encouraged to continue on in such retarded endeavors (honestly, i apologize to all those mental defectives, at least ya'll have the foresight to avoid any such obvious stupidity). well the M-F-er did, he huffed the good part of a can of furniture polish and i laughed good and hard knowing damn well how many brain cells he had just killed. Well, apparently, the SOB took offense to this and challenged me to a fight. Now, as you many know, i am a peaceful man, a man of MLK JR. and Ghandi and shit, so i took the pacifist aproach, i turned the other cheak, even though the delightful bastard was shoving me against the wall. He continued to do so, and i continued to take the moral high ground. I repeatedly offered him a handshake of peace, saying we could forget all our troubles if we just shook hands and parted ways. but no, he would not have it, everytime i went to embrace him he said "mother fucker, i'll hit you if you touch me again" so naturally, i hugged him and made to kiss his cheek. He hated this, screaming obscenities like it was the embrece of satan, or some such. still, i continued trying to win him over with peace, you can ask anyone present, i did not wish violence. he then sprayed the furniture polish in my face, i turned my cheek and he sprayed it in my ear. "Don't do that again" i told him. He asked why not, and i told him because he was drunk and i knew everyone present. it was about now that i noticed i had a considerable posse of tom jenkins and tucker barrett and the honorable chris weingarten behind. i am in their debt. well, he kept advancing and i kept telling him we could end this with a peaceful handshake. He hated this, swearing he would rather fight than touch me, so I kept at it naturally. I told him he should accept my hand and he told me he would kill me. So, without another course of action, i told him "listen, i'm not supposed to telll you this, so i'm only gonna tell you once..." he lisented close "but," i said, "you, my friend" (he hated me calling him my friend) "you, my friend, are going to heaven!" With this, i raised one hand, and he gave me a high five. i embraced him and whispered in his ear "you just gave me the daps you swore you would not" and walked away. There are witnesses, this all is true.